I'm not here to preach about how you should always persevere and never quit, that tomorrow is a better day, or that God loves you and will always be with you, going ra-ra with fluffy pom-poms and all that. If you know me at all, you would know it would all be bullshit, coming from me.
To my recollection, I have drafted at least four resignation letters, the most recent of which is less than a year old. And yet... earlier this week, I had this plaque handed to me by my superiors.
I started with utmost gratitude. I had not distinguished myself an exemplary student since sixth grade. As far as I knew, UPOU was banking on my potential because I had very little else to offer based on what credentials I had back then. But maybe some of my dad's attributes had rubbed off to me -- enough to help me become a competent teacher, at least. Maybe they were able to somehow able to account for intangibles, since some of the decision makers knew who I was personally. Whichever the case, the point is, UPOU took a chance with me, and I will never forget that.
At my third year, I had already started to believe that I did not have what it takes to make this my career. A college teacher, sure... but a faculty member at UPOU... that felt like a different thing altogether. It still does. There were challenges, difficulties, sacrifices and outright burdens which I had not expected to take on, let alone carry long-term.
At my sixth or seventh year, I had to make a conscious effort to change my approach to work. I had shifted to survival mode. I had to drop the notion of aspiring for awards and taking part of the more glamorous parts of the job. It had let to harboring less than positive thoughts towards everything, as everyone else seemed to be getting all the attention. But it allowed me to march on.
At my ninth year, I felt the need to make another adjustment, and start thinking about my own advancement -- whether it's in or out of UPOU. And it is now, that I have begun to think more clearly of what I need and want to do. I still won't be distinguishing myself in the university, but I am slowly getting back into doing things that I want to do.
It seems contradictory -- that I have to act more selfishly in order to figure out how to do better in a job that is, for all intents and purposes, public service. But whatever. It's working.
I managed to survive.
That is probably what this plaque symbolizes for me -- resilience -- ten years worth of it. No one else with the same career path within UPOU has ever lasted even half as long. And while I still do not have nearly enough optimism needed to happily look forward to the next day of work, I can tell you that I can get through it.